Worst. Week. Ever.

WORKOUT

Nada. For good reason.

I’m not a huge fan of the emphasizing of statements by separating words with periods, but this definitely calls for some emphasis.

I think by now everyone has pretty much figured out that I am a klutzy dork. The Boy actually told me I was a spaz the other day and the moniker fits. However. I have never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would have to be out of work for a week with no exercise whatsoever because of a back injury that I got while shaving my legs.

You read that right. I hurt my back in the shower while shaving my legs. Let me back up a bit.

Saturday dawned cool and sunny (at least I think it was sunny – my head is a bit fuzzy from narcotics right now). The Boy had to work that weekend so I had the day to do pretty much whatever I wanted. I had grand plans, too. I had a set of curtains that I needed to hem that I had purchased from Ikea. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and had been aching to put them up. Saturday was the perfect day for sewing.

I decided to start with some laundry. I leaned over the laundry hamper and felt a sharp twinge in my lower back that stopped me cold. I thought, that’s weird and not good, but the pain subsided and so I went about my business of laundry, cleaning up the kitchen and hemming the curtains. I finished them, put them up, and they were lovely. Hemming four panels had taken much longer than I had anticipated and by this time it was around 3:00. The Boy and I had plans to go out to dinner with friends so I decided to take my shower (no, I had not bathed yet, gross I know), take The Puppy for a nice long walk, and be ready to chill with The Boy until it was time to leave for dinner.

I got in the shower, washed my hair, slathered on my conditioner, and started to shave. I got one leg done and started on the other when I suddenly felt my lower back completely cramp up to the point where I could not breathe and pain so intense that I was afraid I was going to fall.

The ladies who shave their legs out there will understand the contortions we go through during this process. They aren’t necessarily the most natural of movements, and I was literally stuck frozen in the position one needs to be in to effectively shave the calves. I couldn’t straighten up, couldn’t twist, and – I repeat – COULDN’T BREATHE.

Finally I willed myself to take a slow breath and then another and tried to think rationally about what to do. I was in the shower. I had left my phone downstairs (NEVER AGAIN. It now goes with me EVERYWHERE). I was wet and naked. ALL OF THE WINDOWS IN THE HOUSE WERE OPEN. Like I said, it was a nice cool day. The Puppy was in the bathroom with me, but lacking opposable thumbs, not to mention the ability to speak English, he wasn’t going to help. I was essentially trapped in a small, wet box and getting out of it would require picking my feet up and maneuvering over The Puppy who was camped out on the bath mat outside the tub.

 

shower1

(BTW, those are The Boy’s shower things and The Puppy’s shampoo in the corner there. My stuff takes up the two opposite corners.)

Eventually the cramping eased enough for me to stumble out and wrap myself in a towel. I made it out of the bathroom and dropped onto the bed. Mistake. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t roll over onto my side, I couldn’t sit up. Finally I hauled myself onto my side pulling the covers and was able shove myself up into a standing position. Hooray for strength training. The few steps I took to my dresser informed me that I could actually walk with little pain and I shimmied into some clothes. I went downstairs, grabbed my phone, and took some ibuprofen. I went back upstairs, lay back down and called The Boy at work.

After a tearful conversation he said he was coming home. He took me to the ER where I was diagnosed with a severe back spasm and ordered to take muscle relaxers and amped up pain meds and to rest with no work and NO EXERCISE for five to seven days.

The last few days have been like torture for me. I hate not doing stuff. I like to putter, I like to read, I like to watch stuff, I have a physical need to clean and what I’ve only realized in this last week is that I 100% NEED exercise. I need to get my sweat on at least a few times a week or a feel awful. Apparently without exercise I turn into a raving lunatic. The back is starting to finally feel almost normal today and I’m crossing my fingers that I’ll be able to work my shifts at the library this weekend and maybe – just maybe – get in a workout on Sunday.

I’ve learned a few things from this experience:

1. Take my phone with me everywhere.

2. Have an arsenal of easy to put on clothes.

3. Bring a decent pair of underwear whenever you go to the ER. Those gowns don’t cover jack.

4. I NEED to exercise in order to not go batshit insane.

5. Those adorable Lululemon tops that aren’t really practical for doing any physical activity (including yoga, I don’t care WHAT they tell you) are damn comfortable when one is laid up and allow a person to feel cute without any makeup or hair products.

stacylululemon11

(You KNOW I’m not right in the head if I’m posting this picture.)

I didn’t say the cuteness was reality. Remember, people, DRUGS.

6. Target capris ROCK. And provide a good bit of supportive compression on a sore back.

stacylululemon21

7. It’s impossible to give oneself a pedicure with a sore back.

I now have a headache from putting words together. See you when the valium wears off.

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